


losing a bit of myself

by adelatron26



Category: youtube - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-09-02 03:26:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8649727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adelatron26/pseuds/adelatron26
Summary: after their latest tour,something happens which changes Caspar and joe for better or for worse?





	1. Chapter 1

Caspar was at home in South Africa recuperating with his family after the tour when he received the call that he didn’t expect to ever get.

He knew straight away from the tone of Zoe Suggs voice that something was wrong.

‘hey Caspar its Zoe ,I don’t want to worry you but Joe has been admitted to hospital with pneumonia and they think its from overworking on the tour ‘her voice cracked as she spoke and Caspar could hear the tears straining her speech.

He had told him numerous times to slow down or he would be ill.Dammit,Joe always had to push himself that one bit further, he was such a perfectionist it wasn’t even funny.

Caspar remembered the time Joe had given out to him for leaving his hair gel on the sink ledge instead of putting it back in the medicine cabinet.

Caspar had this moment of checking out,he now thought he fully realised what people went through when they had an out of body experience.

From what he could remember of the next several hours he had promised Zoe Sugg he would get the next plane out,went through the motions of letting the rest of their friends know about their best friend and somehow found himself in a black cab on the way to Royal London Hospital.

The cab ride felt like it took an eternity everything passed by in a blur and when he found himself walking through the hospital corridor he felt as if everything was in slow motion.  
He met the rest of the Sugg family at the door to Joe’s suite.

They informed him that Joe had been put into an induced coma to help him fight the Pneumonia went into the room by himself.

For more privacy, he closed the blinds.

He took a deep breath and let himself go…the tears came fast and hard.the salty taste hit his lips and hit the floor one after the other.

He took a seat beside his best friend his ‘brother’ his…but the figure in front of him wasn’t the funny joking Joe he remembered. It was a person who was still and pale and so immobile that it forced Caspar to lean over him just to feel his breath on his cheek.  
‘damnit Joe why didn’t you listen to me,if only you could see yourself mate’

For a moment Caspar decided whether or not to hold his friends hand and whether that would be appropriate if someone were to walk in but after a few seconds he slowly reached out and placed his hand over Joe’s.

It was surprisingly warm,He cursed himself  
‘he’s not dead Caspar what did you think it would be cold?,get a hold of yourself’

He turned back to talk to Joe as if expecting him at any moment to sit up and say  
‘really caught you this time Caspar, this has to be the best prank yet’  
It didn’t happen and Caspar felt himself lose a bit of himself.

‘you’re such a bastard you know for making me come here of all places,you know I hate hospitals’  
Caspar recalled the time he told Joe on a very rare occasion that they got deep with their conversations about seeing his grandad die in hospital,a man who Caspar idolised and was really close to.

He had told Joe hospitals were one of the many places he hated in the world and avoided it at all costs.

It was the one time of so few he could remember seeing Joe cry.He had actual tears in his eyes at Caspar’s story. He even confessed something of his own,he had had depression in secondary school given his inability to make friends or adjust.

‘you told me you were happy you found someone to put up with you,I could never understand how someone like you could not make friends Joe?’

‘when I first met you you were so cool and funny I felt as if I was the loser in your shadow’  
‘I’m not about to give on you yet man so you better not give up on fighting this’  
‘I will give you a free pass for pranking for the next month if you just come back from this’  
Caspar thought he felt a movement in Hoe’s hand but after a few seconds came to the conclusion that his mind must be playing games on him.

He got up to leave and felt guilty for leaving his friend in such a state.He fixed the strand of hair that was out of place on Joe’s head and walked out of the room.

His face must have been so bad that Joe’s mother moved to hug him before he left.  
She promised she would keep him updated whether Joe woke from the induced coma he was in.

He put on the tinted glasses he had the hindsight to bring and made his way back to his London place.The empty house paralleling how he felt inside.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks everyone for the Kudos and the comments and most of all thanks for reading and enjoying something that I love doing!:-)   
   
Caspar woke up to an uncomfortable itch at his back and only when he fully came to his senses  

Did he realise he has sweat dripping down his back and sinking into his already soaked shirt. 

He hoisted himself from the bed knowing sleep was fruitless and went about changing it,even though it was the last thing he wanted to do lacking any motivation. 

Doing such normal things such as sleeping,changing his bed,eating and showering made him feel guilty knowing that Joe was wired up to machines fighting for his life. 

He remembered the one time Joe caught the flu when they were still living together and he couldn’t budge from his bed. 

He allowed himself to become Joe's personal courier and even wore a nurses outfit one day to get his spirits up and get them laughing together.   
The image of Joe in his mind wrapped up with two blankets and tissue stuffed up his nose made him laugh but also worry that Joe may not fight this given that he could barely fight a common flu. 

It was 2 o clock in the morning and Joe decided to go to the one place he could find some solace. 

He wasn’t a religious person,not even in the slightest but it used to be his routine with his nan when he was younger and since then it just kind of stuck. 

He reached the heavy wooden doors and suddenly felt peace and calmness wash over him.   
It was still open lucky enough for late night visitors but he still felt like a trespasser this late at night. 

It was pitch black but unlike the apartment it felt as if he was surrounded. 

As he walked further up the aisle he came to find it wasn’t completely dark.Two candles were lit,he scoped out left and right to see if there was someone else there with him but when a figure caught his eye sitting along the first pew he nearly shit himself. 

He coughed to signal his presence and the figure turned slightly  and through thin beam of light coming from the moon,Caspar noticed the man was smiling. 

'something weighing on your mind son?'   
'ah....um I was just out for a walk and decided to to uhhh.....' Caspar couldn’t recognize a collar on the man that signaled he was a priest so he became instantly suspicious of this man.   
'its okay Caspar mate,don’t worry,we'll see each other again soon' 

Hearing his name caught him off guard and he stiffened. 

'sorry do I know you?'Caspar, against his better judgement, inched closer to the mysterious man. 

'of course you do Caspar its me'  the chuckle, the way he pronounced the 'er' of his name as 'ah',the joking accent....   
'Joe' Caspar shouted as he sat bolt urpright in none other than his bed. 

His breathing was so hard he thought he was having a heart attack. 

He laughed a manic,out of control laugh.He had heard of lucid dreams but never actually had one    
What a nightmare!if Joe was here he would have made him a cold compress and shown him some cute puppy videos. 

The laughing turned into crying as he stared at the ceiling in pure exhaustion unable to stop the pain from the memories or the sting of the tears.   
   
Page Break  
   
An hour later his mobile rang and he nearly fell out of his bed trying to catch it 

'Caspar,its me Zoe,we think he,well the nurses think they saw Joe move his fingers'   
The ride to the hospital passed in a blur and within twenty minutes he was outside the hospital taking a deep breath of the crisp autumn London air. 

He met the Suggs outside in the waiting corridor and saw how strained they looked.   
Zoe approached him first and took his hand. 

'they say the outlook is good so far,he is showing signs or responding to stimuli and whatnot' 

She smiled though her eyes held nothing but fear 

All Caspar could was nod,he was so exhausted emotionally and mentally he couldn’t use words.   
'listen,mum and dad are absolutely wrecked and I don’t think they would be any good if he woke up so could you keep watch and call us with updates?' 

Zoe whispered this to Caspar while frowning at her parents.Such a kind and caring person always worried about others... just like Joe,Caspar thought to himself. 

'of course Zoe,no worries,can I maybe go in for a while,just to ...you know'   
'Caspar,do you even have to ask?' The agreement was left unsaid because it didn’t have to be. 

He hugged each one as they left and made his way into Joe's room.   
The picture of Joe wired up to machines scarred his mind forever in that moment Caspar thought to himself. 

He felt nauseous and had to take a seat and close his eyes for a moment to stop himself form possible getting sick. 

He reached out to hold Joe's hand.it was warm and soft despite being almost skeletal at this stage. 

It was no secret Joe had a lean body type but Caspar could feel the veins in his hands and around his wrist. 

He felt a stab of guilt in his heart at letting his friend get this bad and mentally cursing himself for not  

Observing this and being too centered on the world tour.   
He pulled the blinds just to give himself some privacy for what he was about to do next.   
If Joe heard him throughout this he would probably wake up just to slap him and call him out on the cringe of it.   
He cleared his throat before he began   
'Joe,hey its Caspar here,the South African peanut..im talking to you from a hospital bed,why you ended up here 

I will never know but you are such an idiot I'm not surprised' he stopped himself before he went on an accusatory rant. 

'you know what this reminds me of the time you tried to cling film me to the bed,I woke up just as you were getting to my arms so I was able to grab you and make you cut me out of it'  

'we laughed for a while and you eventually noticed I had marks on my legs from the cling film,you made a joke about not using handcuffs anymore with whoever I was with'   
Caspar giggled to himself as he recalled Joe's gaze had lingered a little too long on his exposed stomach-which had somehow risen in the  as went to get some cream for Caspars legs. 

'difference is I could get up and leave but you...you're stuck here and Joe I am so sorry I cants help you or that I didn’t take much notice of you because I was so self centered but I wasn’t to make a promise right now 

He leaned closer to Joe's ear as he added   
'I promise you I will never let you down again,never'   
Caspar leaned back and internally sighed at having such an opportunity of being able to express emotion especially to someone like Joe but he also felt weird being this open ...he had only ever been this way with his family..did that mean that Joe was becoming Caspar's family?


	3. Chapter 3

An hour passed and Caspar could feel what he thought was a feather tickling his hand. 

When he opened his eyes he and wiped away some of the grogginess from his eyes he was shocked to find what was tickling his hand.... 

'Caspar'   
He heard it even though it was faint and Joe had his eyes screwed shut almost as if he was in pain. 

But it was definitely Joe's hand moving in his own and Joe's voice that spoke his name.   
He thought about getting a nurse when Joe pulled on his pinkie finger. 

'Caspar,are you there?'    
'yes,yes Joe its me its Caspar'he had to lean over joe to hear him properly    
'Caspar are you trying to get a snog?' Confused Caspar stood up to find Joe's eyes questioning him. 

He blushed even though it was an innocent act,he was simply just trying to hear his friend better. 

'Joe you're awake buddy you have no idea how many people you have stressed out'   
'what happened?' Joes frown was so deep it made him look comical and Caspar couldn’t help but laugh and also at the excitement of having Joe awake. 

After Caspar explained the situation and called the Suggs to update them he came back to the room where a nurse was talking to him. 

Joe couldn’t help but notice Caspar and how intently he was listening to the nurse,he nodded and asked questions about his recovery and even helped Joe fill out the forms about discharge. 

It was such a small room it made them feel like they were sharing an intimate moment so Joe broke the silence first. 

'so where are all the sobbing women and flowers?' Caspar grinned and pointed to the get well soon card and cheap hospital bunch of flowers on the bedside drawer that he managed to buy while he was out. 

'Mila Kunis did phone earlier but you were still out of it so I said I would pass on the message' 

he laughed but it hurt and he winced but as soon as he did Caspar jumped up and was about to reach out to him when he stopped halfway and let his hand drop 

'are you alright do you need me to get a nurse?' His voice was so small and shy it made gush like a little girl inwardly. 

'no mate I'm fine seriously but I could do with a gallon of water,my mouth feels like I've been licking Oli's armpit' 

Caspar laughed and Joe couldn’t help but stare at his throat and the way it had a patch of white skin where the sun would never quite catch it and LA was really sunny when they were there on tour. 

Luckily Caspar didn’t notice and went to get Joe a glass of water.   
When he came back Joe's mother was crying with relief while his father patted her back. he felt like an intruder and wanted to  back out of the room but Joe called him over while trying to dodge Zoe hitting his arm. 

'what were you thinking Joe you had us all worried?'she whined   
'Zo please stop I already have one mother, I don’t need another'  this received a punishing look from his mother but he simply added 

'sowwy mummy' in his stewie griffin voice. Caspar had to hold in a laugh,he loved when Joe did his impressions they always managed to cheer him up   
As he stood with the water like a mannequin awkwardly in the corner he noticed all eyes were on him and he didn’t know why? 

Oh god did he fart while he was daydreaming?or burp? No he didn’t burp,Joe used to say his burps could be used as an alarm clock ringtone. 

Joe averted his gaze while Zoe addressed the room   
'so you love when Joe does his impressions ,do you Caspar?' And that’s when Caspar wished he could disappear 

he had said that out loud hadn't he?


	4. when the bough breaks

an hour later and they arrived at Caspar's apartment door but as Joe went to walk over the threshold he tripped and bracing for the impact closed his eyes

that was until he felt a a solid form catch him underneath his arms  
he opened his eyes to Caspar's concerned face  
to break the silence and awkwardness of the situation he joked

'alright Caspar mate Jesus control yourself, why didn't you just carry me over the threshold while you're at it?'  
he tapped Caspar's chest to indicate he could let go and when he did

he had to grip onto the living room chair to stop from shaking  
'Joe are you sure you're ok,you're shaking'  
Joe really didn't want to have this conversation right now,clearly Caspar had mistook the shivering for illness.

luckily there was a distraction for Joe as he walked over to the playstation  
'christ Caspar did you do any cleaning while i was gone,i mean you really had no excuse this time not to do a "CASPAR-CLEAN"'

the Caspar clean was a term Joe coined when he noticed Caspar's cleaning habits one day,which essentially consisted of Caspar putting things on shelves of his own height to avoid any actual cleaning or dusting.Joe eventually had to call a halt to it when a flock of spiders were beginning to make a home between the bookcase and ceiling.  
'believe it or not i was worried about you'Caspar whispered so faintly Joe nearly missed it  
but he didn't miss the forlorn look on Caspars face as he stared at the floor like a lost child

'Casp-  
'i'm just going to tell the to tell the others you're ok'  
Caspar moved from the room as if the room was filled with fire.

had he burned him with his words,Joe thought? But surely that was a bit of an overreaction to something intended to be an innocent joke.  
so why did it also tug at joe's gut,the idea that he may have hurt Caspar haunted him.  
   
Caspar decided to go get some fresh air but he was torn between leaving Joe, when he was obviously still a bit drowsy from the medication he was on and getting some food in since he really didn't feel like cooking, he made a compromise.

'Joe I'm going to get something for dinner, call me if you need anything'  
Joe woke dazed from his nap and noticed the sky darkening outside the living room window.

he rubbed his eyes trying to dislodge the uneasy feeling of loneliness and guilt towards his friend.  
he made his way to Caspar's room only to find it empty. Was he so upset with Joe he left their apartment?  
he looked at his phone and thought about calling each one of their friends to see if he was with them but was immediately distracted by the scent of Caspar's cologne flowing from his room.

he peeked inside before opening the door wide  
he smiled at the familiarity of it all,the clothes acting as a carpet,the unmade bed pulled back to reveal a shirt lying in the center as if somebody were asleep there.

he moved closer to the bed while listening to the sound of the front door opening.  
he reached out for the tshirt and as his hands touched it,goosebumps appeared. He sniffed it before realising there was a slight aroma of sweat mixed with Caspar's woody natural body odour.

as he went to sit on the bed he noticed something white sticking out from the bookshelf in the corner.

it seemed to be a letter of some sort,stuck between two books.  
curiosity pushed Joe to root it out given that Caspar rarely actually read and the bookcase was just a show. Joe used to mock that he was just trying to impress the girls with it.

what he didn't expect was to see the letter was addressed to Joe himself. He sincerely didn't want to open it but it was almost as if his hands moved of their own accord.  
his heart jolted in anticipation. It gave him deja vu from the time he was doing school exams and receiving results.

Caspar did a light jog back to the house with the sushi worried about Joe being left alone all that time. Joe used to joke he was like a second mother even at parties he made sure everyone was happy and safe nearly trying to force feed their guests snacks.

he put the bags on the counter but when he turned around to face the bedrooms he almost jumped as Joe stood silently in the hallway  
'jesus Joe what the hell are you-  
he stopped however as he really looked at joe  
'joe..you're really pale...that's it we're calling the hospital ag-  
it was then he noticed the letter hangng loosely from Joe's outstretched hand. 

Teary eyes met determined ones as Caspar moved at a quick pace towards Joe  
he snatched the letter from Joe's hand as Joe stood stock still as if frozen

'Caspar what-  
Caspar's anger bubbled as he paced the living room floor.  
'its a prank Joe,a prank i was going to play on you a long time ago'

1/7/2016 to be exact as the letter stated.  
'if it was a prank then why did your voice just break'  
Caspar turned his back on Joe as the room started to blur  
he was starting to tear up too  
'your voice breaks when you try to lie Caspar you know i know this'Joe's quiet whisper tickled Caspar's back as he hugged him tight in his sinewy arms from the back.  
as he hugged him he began to sway them both in a comforting lull.


	5. recovery and discovery

Caspar felt like a burden had been lifted though he had Joe at his back.  
'Caspar, youre freezing? Have you been gone since i fell asleep?'

'you were asleep?' Caspar now turned his full concerned face at Joe forgetting everything else.

'Joe, the doctors told me to keep an eye on you if you fell asleep because of possible concussion from when you fell'

Joe couldn't help but smile at Caspar's frown and the little crack in his voice as he spoke his concerns.

'Caspar there's nothing wrong with me,you're beginning to sound like my mother jeez'  
he went to sit on the sofa and Caspar now raised his head defiant  
'forgive me for caring Joe,i hope you never have to receive a phone call informing you that your closest friend,your best friend...your..

tears now streaming in his eyes Joe got up to try and comfort Caspar but he stepped back  
'what am I to you Caspar, this letter... this weirdness between us right now...what is this....i am your what exactly?'

Caspar's head fell and he hunched over like a piece of paper crumpling in on itself.  
'i always struggled to find people who i feel super comfortable around, be myself and open my heart, show my insecurities and scars to and have them not run away or call me strange... until i met you Joe

their eyes met then as Caspar continued and it felt like the room zoomed in on them and only them

but you came along,and not only did you not insult me accept me as i am but you also joined in ,you shared my sense of humour,you didn't run away when i was at my lowest and you celebrated my success as i became more confident with myself'  
Joe's eyes also started clouding over as he registered what Caspar was telling him,something he had never heard from the other lads or any of his former girlfriends to be honest.

he realized how naked and exposed Caspar must feel right now and let him finish while standing stock still so as not to frighten or scare him off.

'i wanted to tell you this the best way i could,so i wrote it down and then you came and asked my thoughts on moving out separately

Joe winced at the way Caspar's voice faltered on the word 'separately'  
Caspar was rocking back and forth at this point almost catatonic.  
'i kept thinking you'd somehow miss something about me like i had made a difference to your life'

'but it never happened, you just moved on  
his voice quivered as he finally broke down into sobbing  
Joe went to him and wrapped him in a hug his hand cradling the back of his head as he let him sob into his shoulder.

Joe shook not only from Caspar's crying but also from hos own.  
Caspar pulled back and walked away towards his room  
and Joe let him go because he understood Caspar needed time but also he now felt he didn't deserve to be close to Caspar let alone comfort him.


	6. Chapter 6

Caspar curled up into a ball like a fetus as so as he reached his bed.the whole event had exhausted him mentally and emotionally. He put on a calm playlist and fell into a deep sleep not long after.

The sound of the the front door woke him and he went to investigate cautiously as he didn't know whether an intruder would meet him or Joe which actually scared him more.

He went upstairs to their lounge when he saw from the stairs that Joe wasnt there.had he gone out?Caspar wondered but as he moved from the lounge over to the kitchen area a letter taped to the fridge caught his eye.

He gravitated towards it suddenly fearful of what it contained.  
He read the words written in Joe's handwriting.

And what he read shocked and surprised him for once he was speechless as it went

'Caspar,hey mate if your reading this i'm sorry i'm not there to give it to you in person but I reckoned I should return the favour of a letter and you're right,it is easier to write feelings down on paper than face to face because it would not do them the same justice

you are without a doubt the most open yet frustrating person ,humorous yet bemusing and happy go lucky yet empathetic person I have ever had the fortune to meet.  
I will never know why you chose me instead of any of the other lads to movie in with but I felt honored to live with such a creative talented person.

You cannot idolise me when I idolise you,you have on may occasions blown me away with your insights and ideas. god knows how many times you helped me out when I was having “creator's block”. When it was hard to stomach nasty comments and people tearing me apart online,you were the one to build my confidence back up and hand me the cup of tea that I didn't know I needed.

You were the first person to join me when I wanted to do something risky or mental and the last person to criticize or insult me.   
I wonder sometimes if anybody really sees the multi layered character you are so much so that I find myself looking around to catch other people staring at you with the same amazement I do.

Thing is,I knew then we shared the same mind but never did I think you'd also return the feelings I hold for you'

I wont lie or omit here,when it ell you I it started slowly,i'd notice something small like when you touched my arm or went to hug me id get those goosebumps and well then it progressed to...hmm lets not go there yet.

What I didn't know was that I was hurting you by moving out,but it was getting difficult to be around you physically as well as emotionally.

I thought it was best to see if my feelings for you were sincere or if I was just desperate and lonely only the feelings never went away.which is why I hope it all makes sense of why iv been so cold and hanging out less.

All in all I miss you buddy and if your feelings don't quite extend as far as mine then then I totally accept that.i was so oblivious and that's not fair.Right now I don't feel I have the right to be near you nevermind ask you for anything in return. 

I'm truly sorry for hurting you and the memory of your tears is hard to forget right now so I've gone to my dads to clear my head hopefully the fresh air will shake it.'

love Joe

''idiot' Caspar punched the table and pain shot through his knuckles up his arm. He moved on pure impulse as he grabbed his keys wallet and his train card as he made his way to the train station.

An hour later and Caspar allowed himself relax into the train seat.

 

fields of green blurred past and he let his eyes haze over  
he imagined Joe sitting next to him calming him and placing a warm hand on his leg.  
His stomach and nerves were playing drums when he reached the house and his hands shook as he knocked on the door.

Suddenly he was sheepish as he met the eyes that he dreamed about on the way here   
'I couldn't keep my side of the bargain Joe i'm sorry but you are also such a fool'  
a she engulfed a statue like Joe he   
Joe slowly wrapped his arms around him as he whispered   
'you never fail to surprise me'

behind them Joe's dad watched silently congratulating his son and parental pride swelled in his chest at witnessing young love blossom


	7. Chapter 7

Caspar went to grab Joe in for a hug.   
They nearly fell in the door with the force   
Caspar pulled back swiftly from Joe to properly address his father suddenly embarrassed.   
'hello again Mr Sugg' Caspar stood holding his hand out to Joe's father.   
'now now son I think this warrants a hug don’t you' and in one quick move Joe's dad had pulled Caspar into a bear hug.   
Joe had to stifle a laugh as Caspar fought suffocation.   
'well I better leave you two to it then I'll go make us a few cuppa's' 

'thanks dad'Joe said genuinely.   
Joe's father put his hand on his shoulder as a sign of support and made his way into the kitchen.   
The went to the sofa and sat at awkward angles. It was awkward because thigs had changed between them but it hadn't been awkward when they had wrestled together in their past collab videos.   
The air seemed heavy and like a veil of mist descending down on them.   
Then Joe noticed Caspar's hand and everything became less important.   
'Caspar,what the hell happened your hand?'   
By now his right hand knuckle was a mixture of blue and purple.   
'would you believe me if I said I fought someone?'   
This elicited a laugh from Joe where he rocked back and forth as he answered   
'not in a million years mate'   
'I may have punched our kitchen countertop in frustration then'Caspar became barely audible as he realised how ridiculous that sounded out loud.   
Joe kept giggling as he rose   
'wait a sec and ill get some cooling gel,can I trust you won't start punching the wall?'   
Caspar rolled his eyes   
'not unless it says something to me' he retorted.   
Joe knelt in front of Caspar and took his hand.Caspar wanted to make a proposal joke but it would be too crude at this stage given their situation.   
The way Joe held his hand gave Caspar goosebumps,he gently applied the gel and even though it hurt slightly Caspar was so relaxed he forgot to wince.   
As Joe went to wrap his hand in bandage Caspar asked   
'Joe why did you run?'   
Joe stopped in his tracks and made eye contact with Caspar.   
The sadness in his eyes caught Caspar off guard as he waited for the answer.   
'a better question would be,why did you follow me?'   
Caspar now sat up triggered and replied   
'isnt it obvious?if that letter didn’t quite do it justice I have very strong feelings for you Joe'   
Joe smiled and Caspar saw the blush tint his cheeks as he went back to wrapping his hand.   
'I really don’t deserve that Caspar,so in answer to your question,I came here because I don’t feel like I have the right to be your roommate let alone your...friend'   
He finished bandaging the hand and returned it to Caspar's lap as he sat up next to him.   
'I hurt you Caspar and I can't forgive myself not yet anyways and I thought maybe some space and time might be a good idea both for you and for me'   
'Joe,look at me'   
Joe torehie eyes away from the ground to meet Caspar's,he seemed tired and withdrawn.   
'the only way you could hurt me is if you tell me now that you don’t feel the same way and yes the truth hurts sometimes but lack of communication and misunderstanding hurt too'   
'I never explicitly told you I had feelings for you so how would you have known otherwise and its sheer luck you found the letter because I may never have confessed to you and we would have moved on none the wiser'   
'so were you really never going to tell me?'   
'honestly I felt like we had come too far for me to be able to tell you,so basically if you think about it,I brought the hurt on myself'   
Joe looked into Caspar's eyes and held them there as if asking for permission.   
'God Caspar so when I first opened the door to you back in 08 I thought blimey,this fella's gorgeous and then I was taken aback by my own brain and I had to stop myself staring and ever since then I had to bring myself back everytime I felt myself slipping'   
'im not going to lie,living with you became unbearable to the point where I took those late night walks around the park and back'   
Caspar was shell-shocked as he pondered   
'oh my god I remember that,I used to think it was just one of your strange habbits or you were out getting inspiration'   
'yeah I was getting inspiration alright,I came so close to telling you one night but like you I feared your reaction and I didn’t want to risk our friendship for that'   
'we are really stupid arent we?i mean our chemistry on camera and off was visible to everyone but us'   
'you're telling me,I edited all those videos we did together worried id said something or on a wild night out I'd kiss you accidentally' 

By now they were really close their foreheads practically touching as Joe's father cleared his throat behind startling them.   
They both backed away and stood up   
'so I'm guessing you'll be staying the night Caspar'   
Everyone looked at the clock on the mantelpiece and noticed it was 6 and the sky grew dark outside.   
Tine had escaped them as they talked things out.   
'I suppose you won't want to share a bed with Joe then?'   
Joe's dad asked around a sip of tea.Caspar frowned as he thought that was an implied phobic insult until he added   
'since he tends to hog the covers' Caspar laughed guilty of his misunderstanding.   
Even though Joe's father was a burly country man,he understood the ways of the modern world and Caspar couldn’t mistake the beaming smile on his face for anything other than proud.   
'Joe will put you up in Zoe's old room,won't you Joe?'neither missed the cheeky wink he gave Joe as he handed them both their cups of tea as they made their way up the stairs.   
When they left Joe's father breathed a sigh of relief,he remembered the day he married Joe's mother and the happiness he felt   
seeing his kids find the love of their lives made him feel like he'd completed his life purpose.   
He smiled as he reached for the photo collection which stored all of his life's greatest achievements. 

'I've got to say mate I don’t think this pastel shade will suit you'   
Joe joked as they both stood in front of the bright pink curtain that still hung over Zoe's childhood bed.   
Much to her protests and begging over the years to have it refurbished the Suggs had decided to preserve it as much as possible minus the dust of an unoccupied room.   
'I feel bad Joe,this room is cleaner than mine and its not even used'   
Caspar commented as he swiped a finger along the windowsill. 

'so my room had a double and if it doesn’t make you uncomforatble do you- 

'yeah sure,a sleepover,we haven't had one in ages'   
Caspar piped up excited like a child going to the circus.   
But as they made it to his bedroom he became shy and less confident.   
He went to his dresser and looked around.   
'so I have pants from about three years ago and don’t judge me okay but   
As Joe held up the pyjama pants Caspar nearly spat out his tea as he scrutinized them.   
'Joe you sneaky bugger you,you kept your love for star wars quiet'   
In his hands were a murky green pair of pants covered in storm troopers.   
'it was a cringey christmas present Caspar alright don’t blame me'   
'this explains a lot,Joe seriously mate' 

'shut up and get dressed'Joe threw the pants at him and relaxed onto his bed. 

When Caspar emerged in pants that were came to his ankles Joe was sitting with his laptop open.   
'crikey,I dint think Mr.Bean had arrived?' Joe joked pointing at Caspar's ankle.   
Caspar tried to give a solemn glare but broke into a smile pretty quickly.   
He pounced onto the bed.   
'christ easy there lebron James,this bed isn't used to that kind of action'   
Caspar smirked at the implied innuendo and Joe raised his eyebrows.   
Caspar closed the laptop down much to Joe's protests.   
'stop working for once Joe,you need to sleep'   
Joe pouted but a yawn betrayed him as he slid down the bed to lay on his back.   
He put his laptop on the dresser as he turned towards Caspar.   
they faced each other in silence and simply listened to the slow breathing of the other until Caspar pulled the blanket up over Joe's shoulder whispering   
'goodnight Joe' and kissed him on the forehead   
'goodnight Casp' Joe sighed. 

Sleep took them into another land where they could reunite in a place of dreams and fantasies made out of their own creation.


End file.
